"I want to know what you ache for..."

"I believe that you came into this life with a deep inner knowing of what you were here to do, and an inner guidance system to make it happen." △ Rebecca Campbell

 

I have been reading some of the most transformational books, and I truly believe they're coming at an important point in my life. (Above: milk and honey by Rupi Kaur; Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, and Light is the New Black by Rebecca Campbell). Don't you love when words remind you of yourself? These three books, among many others, are doing just that for me.

 

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There's a poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer that I'm often reminded of called The Invitation (it's a fantastic little book that I think everyone needs to have in their arsenal). I'm tempted to just post the entire poem because of it's deep affect on me, but I'll quote one line: "It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away."  

I've been thinking lately of sustenance, of intellectual nourishment, of our light within. I'm a Type-A personality, a perfectionist, and can be quite critical of myself. Hell, the first question I asked when beginning nursing school was: "Exactly how hard is it to get A's...?" From the start, I was hard on myself. I put myself through so much stress and anxiety, but I got some of those A's. And then one day, I realized...do they really matter?

 

I love nursing. I love helping to heal others. I hope you find your career to be pleasing, as well. I hope you are proud of your accomplishments. But my question is this...

Strip away these titles we have, remove our labels, our accomplishments and failures. Take away our hours of hard work, our money, our homes, our roles and responsibilities. Take away our mental illnesses, our medical issues, all of our flaws and those things we are proud of. Destroy the good and the bad, how far we've come, how far we wish to go.

 

When all these things disappear...what remains? What light within is exposed? What words linger, what encompasses your core? What sustains you, when all else falls away?

I once read somewhere that in order to figure out what your soul's purpose is, you must imagine yourself as a child. Society has not yet touched the mind of a child or brainwashed them into believing money is more important than passion or creativity or love.

Poetry, writing, reading...these things have always sustained me. In my darkest moments, as well as in my brightest, I've always somehow found the words--whether my own or not. I know that in order to truly make a difference in my career and in the lives of others, I must bring these things that sustain me to the surface. I must feed these passions, this creative beast (or mermaid) within. I must acknowledge this inner knowing, expose it, and live it. What thing will you bring to the party? 

 

Allow the Lotus

It takes brains and brawn to be a nurse. But after a rough day at work the other day, I've realized it's going to take beauty too. Not external, physical beauty. Internal beauty of the soul. We get attached to our patients, we form bonds and relationships, we love them and cry with and for them. We're the ultimate healers. But sometimes, patients don't heal. Sometimes, someone battling the ugliest mental illness will choose hospice care to die, rather than allow your healing touch.  This is the hardest aspect of the job; the emotional consequence of being both human and healer. So while it takes intelligence and strength to be a nurse, it is the beauty of a nurses soul that shines.

 ***

I work on an eating disorder unit at a hospital.  When I started, everyone told me I would get burned out so quickly.  I don't listen when people give me unsolicited advice because, well, because I don't want to be bound by their judgments and perceptions.  I've been there for a year, and I love every moment of it.  Are some days trying? Yes.  Do I need to sit in the back sometimes with my hands cupping my face? Totally.  We all need breathers, especially when working around energies that tend to be negative, cloudy, murky.

Murkiness.  Mud.  Dirt.  Grit.  Have you ever seen a pond or swamp littered with green lily pads, dotted with white or pink flowers, smiling at the sun?  Isn't is such a beautiful scene--the murky water, so thick and dark you cannot see below the surface, giving rise to such a strong, graceful flower?  They are lotus flowers, familiar to the world of yoga, meditation, love, light.  Their symbolism is so deep and bright.  I often tell the girls on the unit about the meanings behind the lotus flower (there are multiple).

Lotuses symbolism beauty, purity, rebirth.  It is associated with spiritual awakening.  There is something ethereal about a flower blooming from murk, having not been stained by the muddy waters, overcoming the dark situations of life.  We must rise above the circumstances of our life, we must bloom.  

 

Sometimes, we should take our own advice.  As a soon-to-be nurse, and someone whose main goal in life is to help others heal and grow, I become extremely attached to my patients, friends, acquaintances.  I spend a lot of energy sending love to my patients, helping them, smiling at them, feeling their pain.  It is both a blessing and a curse.  I found out the other day one of my favorite patients, whom I spent countless hours with, coaching her, crying with her, trying to help her see the bright light within her, is choosing palliative care to succumb to her anorexia nervosa.  It broke me.  This beautiful lotus flower was sinking, was refusing to bloom.  Before I knew of her decision, I saw her with her mom and sister, and immediately felt a crushing weight on my chest.  I somehow knew what her being discharged meant.  I felt the pain in the room, the spirit of her mother crushed, the pain of her sister, and the years of unresolved hate and anger and pain weighing on a girl no older than I am.

Today, I am reminded that we cannot force others to bloom.  We cannot force others to see the light within them.  We can help, we can guide, we can encourage.  But we can not force.  We must allow for our own growth, too.  The mud may be thick, but we are light.  There is a beauty, a purity within us waiting to be expressed.  While we cannot force others to recognize the same, we should not resist the light in our own souls, yearning to radiate.  Allow the lotus to open.

   

Gratitude: The Fourth Corner

As I sat with my hands firmly pressed against my thighs, leaning forward so as to straighten my back as much as possible, hoping that my lungs would expand further, gasping desperately for air, I remembered my yoga.  I am no stranger to having acute asthma attacks.  They frequent my life, often bringing me to the hospital a couple--if not multiple--times a year.  Asthma leaves you fighting for life, for breath.  I acknowledge the fact that my parasympathetic nervous system shuts down and I go into complete fight-or-flight mode, my body aching to survive, suffocating even though I try to inhale deep, satisfying breaths.  It's absolutely terrifying.  I remember being depressed, and feeling this way about life.  I'm not concerned about being a high-vibrational being.  I'm not concerned about grades, reading, cleaning up the kitchen... I am trying to survive.  There is a cycle that follows when your body morphs into survival mode.  It makes your condition worse.  I become panicked that I can't breathe, which compromises the subsequent breaths I attempt.  When I was depressed, the cycle was that everyday would feel this way.  I would die in gloom.  I would die suffocating.

And then...I remembered my yoga.  I told myself I would be okay.  I am still inhaling and exhaling, and to find the gratitude in that.  This is not my forever.  I began to inhale and exhale as if I were practicing my most beautiful asana or in the midst of a deep meditation.  I calmed down enough, able to make it to the hospital without a panic attack, without passing out.  I swear each and every one of us does yoga, even if we do not practice--and we all have the capacity to do so.  When I was depressed, I was unable to set intentions.  I could not see tomorrow as a positive.  Cue the vicious cycle.  I did not practice yoga then.  I had dabbled in it before, knew of its history (I had taken a Hindu culture class that was almost entirely focused on yoga) and appreciated its teachings.  Yet I was unable to muster up the strength to formulate a goal, an intention for myself.

Gratitude has it's own vicious cycle.  It is one of survival too.  It is of utmost importance.  But it is beautiful.  I don't know the exact moment I decided to be grateful in my depression.  I remember it led me to write a letter to myself, forgiving myself.  Then I outlined exactly how I wanted my life to look.  I used colorful adjectives and was as descriptive as possible.  I felt oddly no attachment to it though, understanding that it would materialize as God/the Universe/Source saw fit.  Being depressed, at the bottom of the barrel, allows you to relinquish attachment because well...you're used to things not looking up.  You're used to let-downs and expectations not met.  At the bottom of the letter, I wrote--"Thank you, Thank you, Thank you"--unsure of at the time who I was thanking, but feeling grateful all the same.  Gratitude is like the stamp on an envelope.  You can plan, take action, set intentions, be detached from its outcome...but without the stamp, that envelope is going nowhere fast.

Let's return to breath.  When you inhale, you are taking in life-sustaining oxygen.  Without it, you will not survive.  There is much to be grateful for.  When you exhale, you are breathing out toxic waste, CO2 that has built up in our cells as a result of energy consumed.  Without it being expelled, our bodies would become toxic and suffer.  There is a purpose in both gases--oxygen and carbon dioxide--and there is a balance that must be maintained.  We must be just as grateful for the inhale as for the exhale, the "good" and the "bad".  Even toxic wastes in our life have a purpose; although important to get rid of, it is important to show gratitude for their purpose.  When setting intentions, remember to be grateful for the trials that have brought you to this moment, as well as be grateful for what you already have and for whatever is to come.

And always, always remember to breathe.

    

 





 

Detachment: The Third Corner

I've had a hard time writing this post.  I would start, then stop, then start again only to find the curser blinking away and an empty page staring at me.  Perhaps it's because I find myself struggling everyday with the concepts of attachment and detachment.  I am possessive, territorial, and sometimes find it hard to let go.  I'm working on it.

However, in terms of intentions and detachment...I'm very good at that.  I've written multiple intentions, set them aside, and have forgotten about them.  I was able to let them go, always with love in my heart for them.  I allowed divine intervention to hold onto them, to keep them safe.  To allow whatever could manifest...manifest.  It has never failed me and often, brighter intentions were formed from them and even more manifested.    

Attachment and detachment.  They're concepts we claim we understand, yet time and time again, we are bound by our material world and what we believe is "ours".  The sense of entitlement is ever growing in our society and we live in a world of "now".  Instant gratification--life is literally at our fingertips.  We formulate grand plans for ourselves, with timelines and must-haves and perfect ideals.  We are bound by these.  If they do not occur in the order we wish, by the date we stated, with all the requirements we demanded, we panic.  We don't know how to respond.  I often hear, "I didn't expect my life to look like this..."  "I thought by this time I would have ________".  And therein lies our flaw.

When you become attached to a material object or an idea, it rules you.  You come home after a long day of being out, and your house with all your possessions, has burned down.  You suffer.  Someone you know insults something you are fond of or disagrees with you about something you are passionate about.  You become upset.  These are different forms of suffering through attachment.

There is a story that proves this point.  Hunters trap monkeys by cutting a small hole into a coconut, hollowing out the inside, and placing a sweet morsel into the empty coconut.  Then, they place the coconut with the treat inside high into the trees, where a monkey will find it.  The monkey is able to put his hand into the coconut to retrieve the morsel, but when he grips the treat, and his hand curls into a fist, he is unable to remove the treat.  The monkey refuses to let go because he wants that treat and the hunter is able to trap the monkey.

We are the monkey, closing our fist stubbornly around what we believe is OURS, our possessions, our ideals, our desires.  We can't let go, even with our hand caught in a coconut, even through the pain, the suffering.  But when we set intentions, we must release our grip.  We must be detached from the outcome.

By practicing non-attachment, you are free to make choices, to love, to serve others without the suffering.  When setting intentions, be sure to give them love.  But set them free.  In time, the coconut will be turned upside down, and the morsels of our intentions will be dropped into our open hands.

Action of Intention: The Second Corner

Setting intentions is good and often the first step towards growth.  But we cannot sit back idly and expect wonderful things to occur.  Many people, I've noticed, get stuck at this very spot.

"I DO think positive-- I imagine what I want my life to look like... but none of it has HAPPENED!!  Why do bad things always happen to me?!" 

The difference between people who are awarded the gifts they intend to receive and those who become stuck in the negative aspects, give up easily, and doubt their intention are the ones who ask "HOW" instead of "WHY".

Intentions do not work if a course of action is not in place.  Sorry, people, you gotta work for it.  You must ask yourself HOW instead of WHY. 

Lets take an example.  Let's say you are designing your life, setting your long-term intention for romantic love.  You describe in your mind the perfect partner.  You feel in your heart how it is you want to feel.  You send out positive thoughts for what type of character this person will have.  You might be used to a certain type of person, seem to attract this type, but you don't want that; you deserve better.  Great!  Your intention is set...so you wait....and wait...and wait.

You must take action!  Something inside of you must change or grow.  You must believe you're worthy of receiving your intention, but you also must change what has not worked in the past or do something differently.  Perhaps you always attract the same "type" because you meet men/women in dive bars.  Perhaps you don't listen to the tugging of your heart strings that tell you maybe this person isn't "the one".  Perhaps you sleep with whoever, just because you're lonely.  Taking action towards your set intention would look something like: not meeting people at the dive bar on the corner, not sleeping with any ole' chap, and listening to your heart when it comes to matters of love.

Following your intention through by way of action will have beautiful results.  The old adage rings true: actions speak louder than words.  Words in your intention are highly important, but what follows them will heighten the end outcome. Our actions must be in alignment with our carefully chosen words.  If the intention is: "Today, I want to be a positive influence," ask yourself immediately... "How can this be accomplished?"

In nursing, we make "care plans".  We set goals with the patient... "intentions".  But then, we must take ACTION to fulfill these intentions.  In the care plan of your life, set many goals and intentions.  Ask yourself how these intentions can arise.  Start taking action and watch the world unfold.

Setting Intentions: The First Corner

We live in a world riddled with chaos and as much as we try to control our lives, we often feel just the opposite--out of control.  We wonder why certain bad things are happening to us.  Our minds tend to get the best of us, spiraling in circles...lists to check off, people to worry about, bills to pay.  We negative self-talk, berating ourselves for not having done better,  ruminating about events from the past, doubting ourselves in the future.

And so, these are the intentions we have set for ourselves.  Sickness follows the worry, doubt, shame, stress of these repeated intentions.  "I want to help out, but...." "I would feel so much better if..." "How stupid am I! If only I..." and so on.

I always thought I understood what "intentions" meant.  By definition, intentions are determined plans and goals.  Medicinally, an intention is the healing process of a wound.  If you combine these two concepts you get: a determined plan or goal to heal a wound.  Remember, wounds are not always physical.  Each and every one of us has emotional, mental, and spiritual wounds as well.

I've set intentions before, ones I have truly believed, focused on and wrote down to read over.  They were intentions that would make me a better person, add purpose and fulfillment, and hopefully influence other lives in a positive manner.  These intentions came true.

Before that, I also made intentions.  Ones that ridiculed the being that I was, ones that obsessed over the negativity of the past, ones that complained about my health.  These intentions came true, too.  I believed in a life that I found myself stuck in--negative, around toxic people, with poor health and a worsening outlook on life.  It was a dark time in my life.  I lived in a dark place that I found myself cornered into by none other than my own mind.  I swore I deserved every inch of it.  I defended it, I made excuses.  My goal, my plan, my intention was to rip my wounds open every day.  I was not healing myself.

If you've been here, you know how OLD that gets--and fast.  I don't imagine homeless folk enjoy sleeping outside while the storm pours over them, cold and wet and afraid.  And yet, there I was-- there we are-- willingly walking into the throes of the hurricane. 

Setting intentions is easy.  Clearly easy enough, where a single thought--good or bad, is equally answered, and if we believe in it enough, it's answered with a yes.  So why not start asking, intending, for a better life?

I'm big on letter writing.  Write yourself a letter, address yourself by name.  Tell yourself what you truly want in all aspects of your life.  Literally design your life.  How do you want your home to look?  You deserve the best.  Who do you want to enter your life?  You deserve top-quality humans, who will engage you and help you grow.  Your career, your soul, your mental health, your physical health, your love life.  You deserve happiness.

These sentiments, these intentions...I call them my "energy statements"... are so vital and SO powerful.  The way you get there may not be exactly how you "plan" (and this is okay...like I said, life is chaos and we can't be so attached to trivial details), but you will get there.  Your end goal of a fruitful career (maybe different from what you initially, specifically intend) will come.  There is no failure when it comes to the Universe, or Source, or God, or Higher Power (or whatever you ascribe to) providing us with what we hope and wish for.  Along the way of our intentions being delivered, we discover so much about ourselves.

And really...isn't that the truest intention of all?

"Change, said the sun to the moon, you cannot stay"

As we walked past volunteers ringing bells and holding signs that said: HELP FEED THE HUNGRY, riddled with pictures of children with sooty features, my best friend became teary-eyed and exclaimed, "That makes me want to cry."  I incredulously stared at the signs and scoffed, "Why? It makes me want to laugh."  And I gave a cold, heartless chuckle.  I was maybe 15 at the time, frigid and unaffected by events and notions that often had the capacity to elicit some sort of empathetic reaction from most.  I am no longer this person...I'm not sure I ever was; instead, I was clothed and masked and thus shielded from the true essence of who I truly am.  

There are moments in our life that define us and there are moments, I believe, that we remember for the simple reason of believing in change.  This moment defined me once.  Now, recalling it, I am in awe of how much individuals change over the course of a lifetime, of how much I have changed.  How is it only 365 days is all it takes to evolve?  24 hours is the difference between who you were yesterday and who you are today.  24 hours stands between you and the person you are becoming tomorrow.  Depending on how long you've been alive, you have been on this planet for thousands, tens of thousands, of years.  And you are not the same miracle you were when you took your first breath.  Still a miracle, just not the same.

I had a professor once tell me that change is the only constant; that if it were not for change, there would be no need for anything sustaining in this world.  If we stayed the same, we'd be infants defecating in our diapers, with the same hair, with the same thoughts, with the same, tiring soul.  Change is the only sustaining event.  We must evolve, break the molds of our minds every single day, to become.  Not to become who we want to be, or become what we are capable of, or even become who we are; to just become.

There is a routine to becoming, a routine to change.  Our skin cells push old ones up and away, to flake off the old and regenerate the protective layer that covers us.  Our old blood cells, unable to repair themselves, are recycled and made anew.  This is sustaining to the body.  This is change.  There is a natural cycle to change.  Our thoughts, our antiquated and faulty beliefs, must change to sustain our emotions and harvest a healthy mind.  I used to claim, fervently, that I was "stubborn!"  No, no one could change this-- I'm Irish, I'm a Taurus, I'm a Moorefield, with stubborn blood just coursing through my veins.  Enter my first ever relationship.  Enter my first ever fight in my first ever relationship.  Oh, but I'm "stubborn!"  I simply could NOT apologize first, I simply could not break the silence by speaking, unless it was to have the last word (another trademark of being stubborn).  I had to change.  Being stubborn is a poor trait to have and eventually it bites you in the butt, because it shackles you to whatever it is you are attempting to preserve.  It is actually the culmination of FEAR OF CHANGE!  This thought process of mine, to be stubborn-- chained to staying the same-- severely delayed my progression.  Now, my mind is at ease, open to change, open to others' ideas and opinions.  Everyday, our thoughts are different.  We must allow our thoughts, our emotions, to be rooted in love and in growth.  When they are rooted in fear, in "this is the way I've always been and always will be", in preservation, we are mummifying our minds, and thus, our souls and our expansion.

I feel like I always blog (and think) about change.  It's just amazing!  From our physical bodies, to our mental capacities, to our spiritual self, change is inherent, it is vital, it is chaotic and beautiful.  Let it occur!  Do not resist change.  You can't be a teenager, with cold but "cool" comments forever.  You can't wear the same underwear everyday, and expect something magical to happen (unless you're looking to grow fungal infections).  You must evolve.  It is your duty to be better, STRONGER, than you were yesterday.  And although it is important to thank your old self for getting you to where you are now, there is no reason to ruminate on it.  You do not need to apologize for your change.  "Once", "before", "last year", "used to", are all words you need to ignore about yourself, when your evolution offends.

As 2014 comes to a close, think back to January, when 2013 was just being washed off of you.  Where were you?  Who were you?  And watch, as you fast forward through the year, how much you have become. 

You cannot stay the same.