the sunrise

I believe in synchronicity. I believe this past month has been full of tension, depression, anxiety. Nearly everyone I speak to has felt a shift these past few weeks and many have been consumed with misery. The day my friend killed himself, almost every person I spoke to that knew him had a restless night, myself included. I woke up at around 3 and viewed his Snapchat, which showed cute pictures of him as a child, full of funny captions. In the morning, we awoke to a post of a beautiful sunrise--typical of him, yet with an unsettling message that said he loved us, he was sorry for a selfish act.

This was a man, full of life. This was a man, full of humor and love. Even if you did not know him personally, or barely,  you felt his infectious energy. He could make anyone smile. Is it possible someone can be so consumed with life, it swallows them whole?

A few hours after his post, we were told he had taken his own life-- bathed in that gorgeous, final sunrise.

A sunrise symbols a new day...hope, redemption. Darkness departs, and golden light is brought in. The sun, which has never actually disappeared, has uncloaked it's mask of night: a new day is revealed.

The soul-crushing, dark hole of depression. The breath-stealing, heart-squeezing, fear-assigning slap of anxiety. I have found myself here. I know I'm not alone in these feelings, yet when depressed or anxious, the only thing you do feel is alone. The darkest before dawn. This is what it feels like.

There are scientific explanations for mental illness; there are psychological explanations; there are ethereal and esoteric explanations. There may be reasons as to why someone decides to end their life; but these reasons do not matter. What matters is that they lived. That they touched lives that will forever be changed by having known them. That they impart these lessons that should be easy enough to learn, but aren't:

We must stand together. We must celebrate each other while we are here. We must turn to the happiest, as well as the saddest, person in the room and still ask, "Are you okay? Like really, truly okay?" We must be honest with each other. Individually, we must cut the drama from our lives and spend more time with the people who make us the most happy. We must smile at and still care about the people who don't. We must turn to anyone for help, and be that person who will help anyone. We must love ourselves and each other. We must enjoy each sunrise and sunset. We must not be afraid to have these conversations.  We're in this together.

Depression is real. Suicide takes the lives of many beautiful souls; statistically, many are men. There is this paradigm that men must be strong, resilient, independent. That they should not show vulnerability. I call bullshit on this. As humans, both male and female, we should be free to express the wide range of emotions we experience.

I know that whatever our friend was experiencing, he felt he could not express. I know that the darkness of our minds can consume. But I also know our world needs to change. We need more love. We need more vulnerability. We need more softness.

Be kind to the darkest parts of you today.  Tell someone what they mean to you. Ask for help. And if you watch the sunrise, know that a beautiful soul, gone too soon, is on the other side of it.