Gratitude: The Fourth Corner

As I sat with my hands firmly pressed against my thighs, leaning forward so as to straighten my back as much as possible, hoping that my lungs would expand further, gasping desperately for air, I remembered my yoga.  I am no stranger to having acute asthma attacks.  They frequent my life, often bringing me to the hospital a couple--if not multiple--times a year.  Asthma leaves you fighting for life, for breath.  I acknowledge the fact that my parasympathetic nervous system shuts down and I go into complete fight-or-flight mode, my body aching to survive, suffocating even though I try to inhale deep, satisfying breaths.  It's absolutely terrifying.  I remember being depressed, and feeling this way about life.  I'm not concerned about being a high-vibrational being.  I'm not concerned about grades, reading, cleaning up the kitchen... I am trying to survive.  There is a cycle that follows when your body morphs into survival mode.  It makes your condition worse.  I become panicked that I can't breathe, which compromises the subsequent breaths I attempt.  When I was depressed, the cycle was that everyday would feel this way.  I would die in gloom.  I would die suffocating.

And then...I remembered my yoga.  I told myself I would be okay.  I am still inhaling and exhaling, and to find the gratitude in that.  This is not my forever.  I began to inhale and exhale as if I were practicing my most beautiful asana or in the midst of a deep meditation.  I calmed down enough, able to make it to the hospital without a panic attack, without passing out.  I swear each and every one of us does yoga, even if we do not practice--and we all have the capacity to do so.  When I was depressed, I was unable to set intentions.  I could not see tomorrow as a positive.  Cue the vicious cycle.  I did not practice yoga then.  I had dabbled in it before, knew of its history (I had taken a Hindu culture class that was almost entirely focused on yoga) and appreciated its teachings.  Yet I was unable to muster up the strength to formulate a goal, an intention for myself.

Gratitude has it's own vicious cycle.  It is one of survival too.  It is of utmost importance.  But it is beautiful.  I don't know the exact moment I decided to be grateful in my depression.  I remember it led me to write a letter to myself, forgiving myself.  Then I outlined exactly how I wanted my life to look.  I used colorful adjectives and was as descriptive as possible.  I felt oddly no attachment to it though, understanding that it would materialize as God/the Universe/Source saw fit.  Being depressed, at the bottom of the barrel, allows you to relinquish attachment because well...you're used to things not looking up.  You're used to let-downs and expectations not met.  At the bottom of the letter, I wrote--"Thank you, Thank you, Thank you"--unsure of at the time who I was thanking, but feeling grateful all the same.  Gratitude is like the stamp on an envelope.  You can plan, take action, set intentions, be detached from its outcome...but without the stamp, that envelope is going nowhere fast.

Let's return to breath.  When you inhale, you are taking in life-sustaining oxygen.  Without it, you will not survive.  There is much to be grateful for.  When you exhale, you are breathing out toxic waste, CO2 that has built up in our cells as a result of energy consumed.  Without it being expelled, our bodies would become toxic and suffer.  There is a purpose in both gases--oxygen and carbon dioxide--and there is a balance that must be maintained.  We must be just as grateful for the inhale as for the exhale, the "good" and the "bad".  Even toxic wastes in our life have a purpose; although important to get rid of, it is important to show gratitude for their purpose.  When setting intentions, remember to be grateful for the trials that have brought you to this moment, as well as be grateful for what you already have and for whatever is to come.

And always, always remember to breathe.

    

 





 

Detachment: The Third Corner

I've had a hard time writing this post.  I would start, then stop, then start again only to find the curser blinking away and an empty page staring at me.  Perhaps it's because I find myself struggling everyday with the concepts of attachment and detachment.  I am possessive, territorial, and sometimes find it hard to let go.  I'm working on it.

However, in terms of intentions and detachment...I'm very good at that.  I've written multiple intentions, set them aside, and have forgotten about them.  I was able to let them go, always with love in my heart for them.  I allowed divine intervention to hold onto them, to keep them safe.  To allow whatever could manifest...manifest.  It has never failed me and often, brighter intentions were formed from them and even more manifested.    

Attachment and detachment.  They're concepts we claim we understand, yet time and time again, we are bound by our material world and what we believe is "ours".  The sense of entitlement is ever growing in our society and we live in a world of "now".  Instant gratification--life is literally at our fingertips.  We formulate grand plans for ourselves, with timelines and must-haves and perfect ideals.  We are bound by these.  If they do not occur in the order we wish, by the date we stated, with all the requirements we demanded, we panic.  We don't know how to respond.  I often hear, "I didn't expect my life to look like this..."  "I thought by this time I would have ________".  And therein lies our flaw.

When you become attached to a material object or an idea, it rules you.  You come home after a long day of being out, and your house with all your possessions, has burned down.  You suffer.  Someone you know insults something you are fond of or disagrees with you about something you are passionate about.  You become upset.  These are different forms of suffering through attachment.

There is a story that proves this point.  Hunters trap monkeys by cutting a small hole into a coconut, hollowing out the inside, and placing a sweet morsel into the empty coconut.  Then, they place the coconut with the treat inside high into the trees, where a monkey will find it.  The monkey is able to put his hand into the coconut to retrieve the morsel, but when he grips the treat, and his hand curls into a fist, he is unable to remove the treat.  The monkey refuses to let go because he wants that treat and the hunter is able to trap the monkey.

We are the monkey, closing our fist stubbornly around what we believe is OURS, our possessions, our ideals, our desires.  We can't let go, even with our hand caught in a coconut, even through the pain, the suffering.  But when we set intentions, we must release our grip.  We must be detached from the outcome.

By practicing non-attachment, you are free to make choices, to love, to serve others without the suffering.  When setting intentions, be sure to give them love.  But set them free.  In time, the coconut will be turned upside down, and the morsels of our intentions will be dropped into our open hands.

Action of Intention: The Second Corner

Setting intentions is good and often the first step towards growth.  But we cannot sit back idly and expect wonderful things to occur.  Many people, I've noticed, get stuck at this very spot.

"I DO think positive-- I imagine what I want my life to look like... but none of it has HAPPENED!!  Why do bad things always happen to me?!" 

The difference between people who are awarded the gifts they intend to receive and those who become stuck in the negative aspects, give up easily, and doubt their intention are the ones who ask "HOW" instead of "WHY".

Intentions do not work if a course of action is not in place.  Sorry, people, you gotta work for it.  You must ask yourself HOW instead of WHY. 

Lets take an example.  Let's say you are designing your life, setting your long-term intention for romantic love.  You describe in your mind the perfect partner.  You feel in your heart how it is you want to feel.  You send out positive thoughts for what type of character this person will have.  You might be used to a certain type of person, seem to attract this type, but you don't want that; you deserve better.  Great!  Your intention is set...so you wait....and wait...and wait.

You must take action!  Something inside of you must change or grow.  You must believe you're worthy of receiving your intention, but you also must change what has not worked in the past or do something differently.  Perhaps you always attract the same "type" because you meet men/women in dive bars.  Perhaps you don't listen to the tugging of your heart strings that tell you maybe this person isn't "the one".  Perhaps you sleep with whoever, just because you're lonely.  Taking action towards your set intention would look something like: not meeting people at the dive bar on the corner, not sleeping with any ole' chap, and listening to your heart when it comes to matters of love.

Following your intention through by way of action will have beautiful results.  The old adage rings true: actions speak louder than words.  Words in your intention are highly important, but what follows them will heighten the end outcome. Our actions must be in alignment with our carefully chosen words.  If the intention is: "Today, I want to be a positive influence," ask yourself immediately... "How can this be accomplished?"

In nursing, we make "care plans".  We set goals with the patient... "intentions".  But then, we must take ACTION to fulfill these intentions.  In the care plan of your life, set many goals and intentions.  Ask yourself how these intentions can arise.  Start taking action and watch the world unfold.

Setting Intentions: The First Corner

We live in a world riddled with chaos and as much as we try to control our lives, we often feel just the opposite--out of control.  We wonder why certain bad things are happening to us.  Our minds tend to get the best of us, spiraling in circles...lists to check off, people to worry about, bills to pay.  We negative self-talk, berating ourselves for not having done better,  ruminating about events from the past, doubting ourselves in the future.

And so, these are the intentions we have set for ourselves.  Sickness follows the worry, doubt, shame, stress of these repeated intentions.  "I want to help out, but...." "I would feel so much better if..." "How stupid am I! If only I..." and so on.

I always thought I understood what "intentions" meant.  By definition, intentions are determined plans and goals.  Medicinally, an intention is the healing process of a wound.  If you combine these two concepts you get: a determined plan or goal to heal a wound.  Remember, wounds are not always physical.  Each and every one of us has emotional, mental, and spiritual wounds as well.

I've set intentions before, ones I have truly believed, focused on and wrote down to read over.  They were intentions that would make me a better person, add purpose and fulfillment, and hopefully influence other lives in a positive manner.  These intentions came true.

Before that, I also made intentions.  Ones that ridiculed the being that I was, ones that obsessed over the negativity of the past, ones that complained about my health.  These intentions came true, too.  I believed in a life that I found myself stuck in--negative, around toxic people, with poor health and a worsening outlook on life.  It was a dark time in my life.  I lived in a dark place that I found myself cornered into by none other than my own mind.  I swore I deserved every inch of it.  I defended it, I made excuses.  My goal, my plan, my intention was to rip my wounds open every day.  I was not healing myself.

If you've been here, you know how OLD that gets--and fast.  I don't imagine homeless folk enjoy sleeping outside while the storm pours over them, cold and wet and afraid.  And yet, there I was-- there we are-- willingly walking into the throes of the hurricane. 

Setting intentions is easy.  Clearly easy enough, where a single thought--good or bad, is equally answered, and if we believe in it enough, it's answered with a yes.  So why not start asking, intending, for a better life?

I'm big on letter writing.  Write yourself a letter, address yourself by name.  Tell yourself what you truly want in all aspects of your life.  Literally design your life.  How do you want your home to look?  You deserve the best.  Who do you want to enter your life?  You deserve top-quality humans, who will engage you and help you grow.  Your career, your soul, your mental health, your physical health, your love life.  You deserve happiness.

These sentiments, these intentions...I call them my "energy statements"... are so vital and SO powerful.  The way you get there may not be exactly how you "plan" (and this is okay...like I said, life is chaos and we can't be so attached to trivial details), but you will get there.  Your end goal of a fruitful career (maybe different from what you initially, specifically intend) will come.  There is no failure when it comes to the Universe, or Source, or God, or Higher Power (or whatever you ascribe to) providing us with what we hope and wish for.  Along the way of our intentions being delivered, we discover so much about ourselves.

And really...isn't that the truest intention of all?